Well, I think its time for me to talk about it with all of you my readers.
It happened 6 weeks ago, I was cooking my dinner and was on a call. I kept the call and suddenly I felt short of my breath. I started sweating profusely on the forehead. This was the first time I was feeling something like this. As I was in my kitchen, I immediately reached to the refrigerator and took out a cold water bottle. Poured into the glass, took a sip and I was losing my balance. I called up my friend and told her what is happening. She asked me to drink water again, I tried but these same hands who lifts 160kg at the gym weren’t able to lift a 200ml glass of water. I lay down on the floor. Read again, I was experiencing this for the first time and I didn’t know what to do. I needed fresh air, I somehow dragged myself to my balcony and laid there for good 15 min looking at the sky and catching up my breath. After 15-20 minutes I managed to get up, my legs were in pain, I was limping. I picked up my glass and bottle again and gulped it down.
It was shocking to me. Especially because being in the fitness and good eating habits, I never expected something like this happening to me. I texted my friend and described to him what happened and he said it looks like a panic attack. He asked me If I am having any stress or something in the day to day life, I was like, no! It is all going good. He said it could be due to some subconscious stress you are not aware of.
I still have no idea why it happened or what triggered it. Before anyone of you suggests anything like it could be heart issue or something, no! I got it all checked.
That day I just somehow finished my food (macros are important) and I slept. The next morning I was fine and till today I didn’t feel anything like that again.
But, for good 10-15 days, I was shit scared, what if this comes back again while I am driving, or while I am lifting at the gym or somewhere in public place. My anxiety levels rose up. Because of constant meditation practice, I can observe myself easily, I was knuckling/breaking my fingers more often, I was fighting and I was shit scared and anxious about going in the crowd or talk to a new person.
Back to present
See, I could have posted about it online at that time to ask people and get help from them. Or I could have visited the doctor on the very next day. I understand this, something was stopping me from doing so. I did consult a few doctors on practo and they told me there is no need to medicate for now. And posting it online means lots of messages and then replying to each one of those is again would have been a task for me. Even after reading this please don’t send me messages like ‘I am there for you’. I know you are, that is why I am writing this and I can approach myself for help If needed. This is not me being rude, this is me being very practical because I love to reply to each and every messages and comment but when it comes to mental health people will always show support and I won’t be able to reply to all of you and the unread messages will make me more anxious. (different OCD)
Presently, I am at peace. Thanks to meditation. I also read a few pages of Bhagwad Gita because that book somehow calms me down as it speaks practicality without any bullshit emotional drama or fictional stuff. I started playing more with my cat as his purring makes me calm. I also added walks to my daily routine to move my body more and more. But the most important point is, now I am aware of this thing and I keep observing myself and my stress level (if there is any) before I experience anything like this again because it could be fatal.
I still don’t know why it happened, and somewhere I don’t want to know also. Because If I get to know the reason, I will always avoid that thing/person/activity/routine/trigger and it will start hampering my day to day life. I know and I understand panic attacks and anxiety are part of life, I myself experienced and experiencing it but at the same time I believe we humans are warriors since the beginning of human civilization. We can fight anything and anyone if we practise enough.
Please share your story with me if you have experienced anything like this and how you coped up with it. Also, Read again: No sympathy messages, please. I won’t be able to reply.