I am 26, and most of audience and reader of this blog belongs to similar age group (23-28) where you have been directly forced to get married by your family, relatives and indirectly from your friends who got married recently. Girls are worried and stressed because they see ‘no-life’ after marriage. For them, somewhere it is true as well in Indian society, marriage is a full stop on their career and dreams. Boys are worried and stressed because they have a notion of increasing responsibility upon them of family and the family they are about to expand.
Now, I am not a married person yet, but being of similar age and Marwari background, I can totally relate and understand the ‘pressure’ part of the marriage scene as I also face this on day to day basis. But I have an understanding about this concept (I think so) and I have reverse engineered myself according to that.
Many people DMed me asking questions like:
- I want to delay marriage, my family is forcing me I can’t help. What to do
- I don’t want to ruin my career
- I am not sure about the guy I will get married to, what if he is a misogynist
- I want to sustain my freedom post marriage
- Marriage talks give me anxiety attacks.
I have no exact solutions to such questions, but by discussing my views on marriage, I think I will be able to help you today. Read on.
First, understand why Marriage Culture exists in our society:
Several studies in the past have proven that humans are polygamous in nature, in simple words, humans, in general (if allowed), like to mate with several mating partners over the period of time or when they are fertile or when they are at the epitome of their fertility. But then, why marriages exist in our society? Why isn’t our society is one “Open relationship” thing? Why are we bound to this monogamy? And why are we going against basic human nature? For Reason: Monogamy helps to maintain the peace of the society. How? Imagine the world where top tier Man (A man who are best looking and can attract any mate) mating with top tier females. Other men (who are not attractive or alpha enough) will obviously take up weapons and will try to kill this top tier man for obvious reasons.
A perfect example of this: We read how many wars have been fought in the past because one king is trying to capture the queen of another king. We see male cats, dogs, etc fighting among other males to mate with that one female. And similar in college and school environment, we see many males fighting among each other for that one pretty girl present in their surrounding.
Enforced Monogamy helps to sustain the peace of society. Every male gets a mating partner and vice versa. Watch this clip to understand more: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rf3Eub1Hvhs&t=122s
For Females, enforced monogamy helps them to sustain a partner with whom she can develop an intimate relationship, as per nature, females are more inclined towards intimacy compared to males.
Now in general cases, marriages are of two types – Love and Arranged. In love marriages, things are simpler in couple side but clashes may happen in the family side. And in arranged marriages, things are simpler in the family side but clashes may happen in couples. Anxiety and stress issue comes when the type of marriage is “arranged”. Reason being, the person is very new for you. You have no idea how he/she smells, what are his/her washroom habits, how he/she is in bed. What if the guy is Vicky Kaushal of lust stories or what if the girl is nymphomaniac. Fear is normal. Fear is natural because after all, you are starting a new life with a new person. Even if its a love marriage, your life will change in terms of responsibilities and duties.
I have some tips to share which would help you to overcome this fear (including some general tips as well)
- Whenever you meet a person for the arranged marriage thing, always talk about your fear and insecurities with them. There is nothing wrong showing your weak part to the person you are expecting to spend a life together. And take things forward only if the person understands your fears and insecurities. Never shy away from doing this.
- Keep your things forward. This is especially for girls. If you are an independent and self-sufficient with a stable career. Put things on the table when you meet the person. Clearly tell him about how you want to take your career ahead and how you will be able to manage family and career both together. If he understands, well and good. If not, next.
- Please understand, everyone has a past. Especially in this hookup culture, most of the people around you are sleeping here and there on a daily basis. Do not judge someone based on their past. But do make things clear if he or she will be continuing this post marriage or not. Take things forward accordingly. Also, understand open marriages and relationship do not stay for a long period of time. (In case you both decide to go in that direction)
- If you have plans to make kids, then marry according to your fertile age. If you are delaying it after reading some article on Cosmo or following some Hollywood celebrity, you will have to face difficulties in conceiving later on.
- The truth is if you want a super pretty person to get married to – fix your physique and finances first. If you are above 20% body fat (males) and 35% (females), in general cases, do not expect a Hrithik Roshan or Alia Bhatt look alike to get married to. Looks matter. I don’t care what your internet sjw friend tells you. In simpler words, Get hot to find a hotter partner.
- Life is not a Bollywood movie. After a point of time, you both will be bored af of each other. You will be bored of that same bed, that same house and those same habits of your partner. This is the main reason why people cheat. Because they are bored. I can write a separate article on this. Do discuss this beforehand only – what if we get bored and how are we going to resolve it. (could be through vacation or could be through by keeping yourself in shape).
- Do not settle with a person you don’t feel attracted towards.
Now for the people who want to delay this entire scene and are scared:
See, the time is never correct to get married. You are never ready. But if marriage is your thing, I would suggest going with the flow. If you want to delay it, the wise thing is to take up some post graduation course (I know many people who actually did this) or get busy in your career so that you don’t get enough time to even listen to the peer pressure. OR be confident, stern and unapologetic, talk face to face with your parents (if not parents then some other elder family member close to you) and tell them your reasons. There will be drama at that point, but there will be no drama in future because of your constant excuses.
Do not compare yourself with other personalities:
There is every type of people in society around us. I know people who ran away from their home to avoid marriage and now making it big in their lives. I know people who got married at the age of 21 and still making things big. We have an example of SRK and Salman both in comparison. We have an example of Narendra Modi, Ratan Tata and Ambani as well. There is no point comparing yourself to anyone. It will create more confusion. Do what you want. And if you really want to do what you want, get independent first (financially and emotionally) and then take risks accordingly. Sometimes you have to give in certain things and sometimes you have to give up many things. Ask yourself what is more important for you? Career or making kids or family or whatever it is. And act according to your answer.
This was one of the longest article typed by me, I think. I hope I managed to help you in some or other way by reverse engineering a few things in your mind.
If not, you can always DM me or Join Reverse Engineering Group – here you can post your queries.
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