As online dating became famous and people really started going out to meet other people – the confusion of who should pay for the coffee or the drink you both had started growing. I cannot solve it, but I have been doing research on this by asking my friends, my social media followers and my friends who go on tinder dates every now and then. I asked females who are close to me and I asked males who are my childhood buddies. Instead of putting out a solution, let’s discuss the psychology behind “Who Pays on a first date” – situation wise.
When a Male should Pay?
Males are considered to provide to females since the beginning of times. They used to hunt and gather for the females who were taking care of their offsprings. One can blame it on the patriarchal system but I see this as basic power and strength division. Males were generally better in strength hence they ought to do field work more. This continued for long. Today also we see many cases of marriages where women take care of the house and men earn it. Both are a difficult job but the ‘hunt’ responsibility is of a Man here. (Don’t be triggered already, females are as of same strength today – I will talk about this later in the article)
A Man should pay in cases like:
- When you ask a girl out (exclude tinder here. It works both ways)
- When a girl is not earning and is a college student or an intern
- When a girl is not carrying her purse/bag with her (Obviously)
- When a girl is younger to you. (Please read younger as above 18, thanks)
I will discuss more options below.
When a Female Should Pay?
Rare cases. A female paying complete bill on a first date is unacceptable to their subconscious mind. I mean they can pay but they won’t like it. (unless the man is super attractive because that’s when hormones takes over) 97% people reading this would agree, rest 3% can DM me to discuss.
A Woman should pay in cases like:
- She is elder or in higher status to the man she is meeting
- She wanted that date and asked the man several times to meet
- If she insists (a lot)
When They should Split?
Maximum people voted for ‘split’ because who wants to overload themselves by paying such expensive bills? But we need to understand the bills which are lesser than 1000inr. You cannot always expect the opposite person to split for such small amount. You should obviously split when you are taking tequila shots and having club food unless the opposite person is rich af.
A split should be done in cases:
- When the meeting is very casual (not a date – date)
- Mostly in Tinder dates because the meeting is mutual (if you are not heading to somewhere else where u can pay turn by turn)
- When it is not a Date
Now, these were the basics. Let’s dig little deep into it.
Who pays on the first date is tricky. It also depends on how submissive and dominant the person is in nature. A dominant person won’t like if He/She is not paying and a submissive person won’t like if you ask him/her to even dutch the bill. When you are going out on a date you should keep this observation in mind. After chatting for 1-2 hour you both will understand the basic nature of another person if he or she is submissive or dominant. Sometimes a submissive person becomes dominant in front of a more submissive person and vice versa. If you think you are the dominant one in the scene, initiate the offer to pay the bill.
Two things will happen:
- He or She will ignore the fact that you are paying – You ignore it too. Don’t be that person who back bitches about how he or she didn’t even offer to dutch. If you want them to dutch, simply ask them.
- He or She will offer to dutch: Now it is up to you to accept the offer or tell them ‘next time you pay’
Now it also depends on how your date went with the person. In cases where the opposite person didn’t like the date – he or she will probably ask to dutch in the end. And if he or she is full head over heels on you – they will insist to pay.
Also, understand this – There is a hell lot of difference between what you think and what you really want. Your thinking is mostly based on what is going on in society, what you watch on social media feeds and what you read in fictional novels. And your wants are basically your subconscious mind taking care of your basic human nature. In a date, a female would like to split because that’s what we are seeing now in media around us for more than 20 years. A man would like to pay for her because he is subconsciously wired that way (the hunting and providing nature).
There is nothing wrong in accepting the masculine and feminine nature of yourself. But there is also nothing wrong in accepting new ideas. Just be aware of the opposite person how much he or she is comfortable with new ideas.
Let’s end with thumb rule of “Who pays of First date”
- For less expensive bills a Male should offer to pay, if female insist to dutch, dutch it. If not, do not crib about it.
- For expensive bills, dutch according to your financial capabilities and status.
- Turn by Turn works best.
Got a different POV? DM me on my Instagram to discuss. I would love to understand.